"Você"

O número de vezes que eu fujo,
O número de vezes que eu nego,
O número de vezes que eu re-invento,
O número de vezes que eu digo "Adeus",
O número de vezes que eu digo "Jamais",

Equivalem ao número de vezes que minha mente se volta para você.
A intensidade do meu querer-você,
a quão profunda é a tristeza deixada em mim por você.

Você é toda a minha razão de desejar insistir.
Você é toda a minha razão de precisar desistir.

Shallow Dive

Sometimes we meet a person
and we think they are the most
beautiful song we'll ever listen to

They make love stories finally make sense
fairy tales to feel so real
color to have sounds
and sounds to tickle your skin

And through them we become capable of seeing so much of
joy
goodness
time
hope

There's this thrilling sense of an unforgettable adventure

It's alluring
breathtaking
mesmerizing.

But just then,
into the thin air,
everything disappears...

...when you find out about

the lies
how they used you
how so easily they tossed you away

"Easy comes, easy goes" they say
Couldn't be more true

The illusion shatters into glassy pieces
And into those glassy pieces I glance
and those pieces become a mirror

And into that mirror I dare to look.
and in there I dont see what my mind truly yearns for
--a passage to a different, magical world--

what I really see,
at first,
are this once soulful green eyes,
now filled with a raging fire, a desire to break free and to be dark and mean
I felt my soul colder than ice
My emotions greyer than an empty sky

So I closed my eyes
to let this darkness take over me

a materialising shadow involving me

And my heart didnt race
my mind, still
my body, relaxed

I died for a moment
And when I finally opened back my eyes

to see what all that darkness had turned me into
to see what mean weapon had it given to me

I saw...
Me.

I saw...
Hope.

O Me, O Life!

O Me! O Life!
BY WALT WHITMAN

Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring,
Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish,
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d,
Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,
Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,
The question, O me! so sad, recurring--What good amid these, O me, O life?

                                       Answer.

That you are here—that life exists and identity,

That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

 

Quick Glance at the Mirror of Time

I wrote this almost a year ago... and I still feel this way. Maybe even more now than I did before.

××

I wish I could be more of the not-so-much-little girl I used be.

She was stronger.
She had a light soul, an honest happy smile and soulful eyes.
She also had a strength that no little girl was expected to have. 
And even with all the darkness she faced, she still sparkled.

And she could draw, write, sing, play and create an entire new world. She could make everything happen.

She dreamt magical dreams. And she went for the biggest of challenges, the grandest goals.

She had no pathlines to where I've come.

I look back and I smile proudly at a enchanting little girl who would be sad and disappointed about who I have become, knowing she'd share a silent tear and would try to tender all the scars I collected along the way.

Because she is good and kind...
... and I'm just completely lost. 

Unasked Answer

Quando você nem é a paciente, mas a terapeuta fictícia te disseca com precisão.

"I already know what's wrong with you.

You're unhappy. You're isolated. You think you're the cause of this unhappiness and are unworthy of affection so you've few friends.
Recently you lost something you think very important. Your lover, your faith, your family, or all three. You blame yourself for this, so it makes you neurotic, and you don't sleep and don't eat anything healthy anyway.
You used to take care of your appearance, but you've lost interest in that, so you avoid mirrors.
Sunlight bothers you, so you avoid that too, about which you're guilty because you think it's unhealthy and even immoral not to like the sun.
You're not a woman of convention or you wouldn't be here, but you like to pretend you are so people don't notice you. But you sometimes like that as well, and can dress to draw the eye. But then you think the men who look at you are fools, or worse, to be taken in by such an obvious outward show. So, instead you're drawn to dark, complicated, impossible men, assuring your own unhappiness and isolation because, after all, you're happiest alone. But not even then because you can't stop thinking about what you've lost, again, for which you blame yourself.

So the cycle goes on, the snake eating its own tail."
      - Dr. Seward to Ms Yves, Penny Dreadful, s03e01