Shallow Dive

Sometimes we meet a person
and we think they are the most
beautiful song we'll ever listen to

They make love stories finally make sense
fairy tales to feel so real
color to have sounds
and sounds to tickle your skin

And through them we become capable of seeing so much of
joy
goodness
time
hope

There's this thrilling sense of an unforgettable adventure

It's alluring
breathtaking
mesmerizing.

But just then,
into the thin air,
everything disappears...

...when you find out about

the lies
how they used you
how so easily they tossed you away

"Easy comes, easy goes" they say
Couldn't be more true

The illusion shatters into glassy pieces
And into those glassy pieces I glance
and those pieces become a mirror

And into that mirror I dare to look.
and in there I dont see what my mind truly yearns for
--a passage to a different, magical world--

what I really see,
at first,
are this once soulful green eyes,
now filled with a raging fire, a desire to break free and to be dark and mean
I felt my soul colder than ice
My emotions greyer than an empty sky

So I closed my eyes
to let this darkness take over me

a materialising shadow involving me

And my heart didnt race
my mind, still
my body, relaxed

I died for a moment
And when I finally opened back my eyes

to see what all that darkness had turned me into
to see what mean weapon had it given to me

I saw...
Me.

I saw...
Hope.

O Me, O Life!

O Me! O Life!
BY WALT WHITMAN

Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring,
Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish,
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d,
Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,
Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,
The question, O me! so sad, recurring--What good amid these, O me, O life?

                                       Answer.

That you are here—that life exists and identity,

That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

 

Quick Glance at the Mirror of Time

I wrote this almost a year ago... and I still feel this way. Maybe even more now than I did before.

××

I wish I could be more of the not-so-much-little girl I used be.

She was stronger.
She had a light soul, an honest happy smile and soulful eyes.
She also had a strength that no little girl was expected to have. 
And even with all the darkness she faced, she still sparkled.

And she could draw, write, sing, play and create an entire new world. She could make everything happen.

She dreamt magical dreams. And she went for the biggest of challenges, the grandest goals.

She had no pathlines to where I've come.

I look back and I smile proudly at a enchanting little girl who would be sad and disappointed about who I have become, knowing she'd share a silent tear and would try to tender all the scars I collected along the way.

Because she is good and kind...
... and I'm just completely lost. 

Unasked Answer

Quando você nem é a paciente, mas a terapeuta fictícia te disseca com precisão.

"I already know what's wrong with you.

You're unhappy. You're isolated. You think you're the cause of this unhappiness and are unworthy of affection so you've few friends.
Recently you lost something you think very important. Your lover, your faith, your family, or all three. You blame yourself for this, so it makes you neurotic, and you don't sleep and don't eat anything healthy anyway.
You used to take care of your appearance, but you've lost interest in that, so you avoid mirrors.
Sunlight bothers you, so you avoid that too, about which you're guilty because you think it's unhealthy and even immoral not to like the sun.
You're not a woman of convention or you wouldn't be here, but you like to pretend you are so people don't notice you. But you sometimes like that as well, and can dress to draw the eye. But then you think the men who look at you are fools, or worse, to be taken in by such an obvious outward show. So, instead you're drawn to dark, complicated, impossible men, assuring your own unhappiness and isolation because, after all, you're happiest alone. But not even then because you can't stop thinking about what you've lost, again, for which you blame yourself.

So the cycle goes on, the snake eating its own tail."
      - Dr. Seward to Ms Yves, Penny Dreadful, s03e01

Broken Heart of a Halfed Soul

where are you
when I most need you?

where is your smile
when I so bravely show you mine
behind this endless tears all this while?

where is your soothing voice
embracing my uneasy soul
giving it no other choice?

where is your warm skin,
the gentle yet wild touch,
the only touch about which I dream?

where in lies your deepest emotions
the ones to rule your choices
the ones to guide your thoughts?
is it with me,
the girl who feels you left behind,
dreaming of the day when you'll come back,
while your face colors my heart's darkest desires?

where... oh where?

Things you burry away with the blink of an eye.

For some reason, all that talking & seeing how they were, after the parents had splitted up, brought up memories I no longer knew I had.

And I am trully sorry because of the way things turned out to be, and more sorry even because, apart from forgiviness-asking, I dont know if there's anything to do that would repair all the collateral damage.

But I miss you and I've missed you my whole life.

I'm not here saying I love a person more than the other: just that I now understand this links between us 4 runs deeper than blood.

And despite what I'm about to say, the things I do or did aren't anyone's fault, but mine alone.

***

I remembered the microwave-warmed up slices of queijo fresco, normally on saturday and sunday's mornings. Guess those special occasions are the reason of why I'm so mad about this 'meal'.

I remembered playing what I think it was Street Fighter & although enjoying it, asking for a more girlie game to play on the super nintendo. Guess that was my way of saying that, although I'm still a girl, I was enjoying too much those fighting, boyish games.

I remember all my dedicated paintings being framed and held up somewhere where everyone could see.

I remember you playing flight piloting emulator games and how mesmerised I used to get, thinking how that was one of the coolest things to do.

I remember being taken for driving, me barely holding the wheels -as it still is- and just about touching the pedals, amazed with controlling the car direction (aka nearly crashing on everything).

I remembered convincing you to play War, and you losing it - or maybe letting the overly excited 8yo win? 

I also remember how I used to enjoy so much spending time doing nothing much, like drawing silly things, just because you were standing nearby.

But I also remember not receiving a phone call because daddy now had a girlfriend which he didnt tell us about, although he promised he would. Phone call came later on & I dont remember this situation happening very often. I remember I got so mad, I didnt talk with you for ages.

I also remember the fights - loud arguings at night, me & sis hiding on the scary-at-dark garden, clueless of what was going on & then mom telling dad not-to-lay-a-finger-even-on us because his hands were too heavy and we were just kids. Sis got a slap, but I escaped. 

Apart from that, cant recall dad slapping or beating us at all.

But i remember mom passed out on the floor, sister crying, cousin terrified look and daddy embarrassed look when he saw me staring at that picture, half asleep still.

I remember you left one night, like many others before, silently waking me up & saying good bye. I cried loud, waking everyone up, hopeing you'd hear and wouldnt go. You left anyway & I think I cried and cried, until I passed out, asleep.

Haha I remember you trying to teach me how to read an analogic clock - that was on the same day you told me the ants on the cake were good for our sight as 'no one's ever seen an ant wearing glasses' - silly billy me, I believed and proud&happily ate the ants along with the cake. (guess I didnt eat ants enough though... haha)

I remember how angry and hurt and sad and abandoned I felt when you moved in with that woman. We used to still go to grandma's house on the weekends to see you, although we didnt really see you every weekend, not always you were around. Then I remember when I first heard her son (and not yours) call you 'dad' - the floor vanished from my feet, the furniture was not around and even the ceiling disappeared. I think I blanked out for a long moment, lost my breath. How? How could my father be so much of a father to someone else, to the point of this person feeling free to call him dad, and not us? This still hurts me.

That same feeling happened again when you told you went to visit him on his uni house & town, to check things up. Where were you when me or sis needed you, not only during uni but any other delicate moments?

I also remember this same woman when she tried to give me a criminal record when I was 16, by giving the police a false statement, which you backed her up with on the lie, coldly looking me in the eyes and telling me it was to 'teach me a lesson' because I was clearely misbehaving.

I also remember asking you for advice, during uni days, and you denying to do so, cuz you didnt want to say something that lead me to do something that would upset mom. I really have no idea what to think about this one - I know you had the best of intentions, but I also needed my dad.

Just like everytime I introduce you to one of my boyfriends - Im just desperate seeking to see if you react! I'm your babygirl, all grown up,  and you're not meant to approve or refuse them - but to tell me off if I'm doing something you know is stupid, which 100% of times I am! But you just smile, lie & play along with them, just like when you told me, when I was 15, not to date just one guy, but to go out a lot and have a lot of boyfriends.

Guess I did follow that only one advice very well, after all...

First Water Drop

I'm not sure exactly what I'm doing, but it already feels good.
Have deleted facebook, suspended WhatsApp (for a couple of days only) and broke up the relationship that shouldn't have started in the first place. I'm so sorry that the friendship might not last, I'll understand.

Anyhow, life carries on. And like I said, whenever I miss facebook, I'll post something in here, even though no one reads (guess that can also be something good).

Among the things to get done, I've come to realise, finally, after all this time, I can't stay in England anymore. Doesn't matter how free and more independent I am here, which is basically two things that I've always seeked in life... I will never be trully free and independent when I can't even settle down on a home because the housing prices and situation are so unhuman.

And can't be USA as I can't legally work in there. Canada could be, but I can only legally work there for 6months, so Canada would only be experience, cultural exchange and a quick stop before a new start somewhere else.

It is true that I could simply move to anywhere in Europe and live there, but I'm not sure how would be the housing, job and life-actually in there. Would be an uncertain start. Something perfectly doable if I was on my early twenties still, which ain't the case (I'm turning 25 on Valentine's day). So, guess I'll be back at the melting hot, sunny burnt, beautiful yet tragic, home - Brazil.

The plan? To get a job, drive (with confidence lol), go back to Uni and complete a post-grad related to my work field, get a better job, carry on with life, achieve and achieve. Damn, I have no idea what I want for my life on a long term goal.

Anyway, I got obsessed with a new song (please read 'new-for-me'):

xoxo,

Letter to Marie

Um dos fragmentos do livro - a carta encontrada por Zeke nos escombros do incêndio que se deu após o rapto dos três.

"My lovely Marie,

For many years and countless hours, at random times of day and night, you were the main fuel to my imagination, the reason for all sorts of words, lines, sketches, curves, blurred ideas and perfectly made and lost pieces of art done by me.
I know now I might spend this one more life without actually getting to know you, face to face, but I thank any God up there for even the idea of you ever coming up to my mind.

This won't be another sad letter and I will no longer mumble and silently sing prayers apologising to you, me and everyone/thing else. 
You know the words asking for forgiveness are pure, real and honest - if you don't, you know it now.

Know I loved and love you with every single cell of my body. 
You gave me hope when there seemed to have none. You also taught me different versions of life.
Taught and forced me to truly learn to forgive - and you also got me to forgive. 
But... It is time to let go. What is done can't be undone, but one should never give up on anything in life. Know I've also never given up on you.
Please know there will be a little bit of you in every new page I'll ever write. 

In a way, in my heart and dreams, you'll live forever.


Love you endless,
-Mom-"

<no title yet>

"Humans...", she said with a hint annoyance, upset and disappointment in her voice, as she stared down the hill, pointing towards them so the little girl could see.

"They can't be that bad", she replied with a sweet smile, her soulful eyes staring far away before she slowly started standing her hands and whispering something softly, as images of several people started to float in the air, as if it was a scene from a film, their voices sounding low as they spoke. "See? They are just living their lives", said the little girl.

"Calata", said the lady, and the voices stoped. "You must mute the microphone first, otherwise they will hear you", she explained. 

"What happens if they do?", she asked, closing her hands together and making the images disappear as she looked up to the lady with curiosity.

"They wouldn't know who's speaking, they'd go crazy with ideas that are not theirs, believing on something beyond their capability of understanding & we should never play with someone's conscience, mind and heart." 

A simple fragment from another day...

It was one of days, you know? When everything that could have gone wrong, went worse then the expected. World was falling on your shoulders, crumbling around you more & more as we walked on the street... I know, I was there, I could see it. You were not fine, but 'giving up' was never something for you. So you were still here. 
And there you were, standing under the rain & staring at the grey sky, with the bridge, crowded by everyone that was passing by escaping from the rain, right in front of you, an arm distance away.
You were out there to get wet. And it wasn't your honey coloured hair or your beautiful silky pale skin or the perfect symmetries of your face along with the most fascinating eyes I've ever seen. No. It was something about the smile, wide, spontaneous, beautiful, but not it alone, as it is just all a reflection of your soul.